February 13, 2010

Today, I am grateful for….

1. Everyone who took the time to post kind thoughts about the blog on Facebook. Here’s a shoutout to each of you.
2. Reconnecting with Tina, an old high school/junior high acquaintance. I’m not surprised at all that she grew up to be the wonderful woman, mother and wife that she always had the potential of being.
3. Molly always making me feel like I’m the most important person in the room every time I talk to her.
4. Paul, a relatively new friend and fellow advocate of the practice and celebration of gastronomic excellence in Central Illinois. His Old World sensibilities are a welcome breath of fresh air here in C-U.
5. Marina and her wonderful husband. I know that we’re going to have a great time the next time we see each other.
6. Jen – To this day, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone with her distinct combination of intelligence and complete lack of pretense.
7. Resi absolutely understanding the meaning behind this blog and being able to articulate it much better than I would have.
8. Amanda and her family. We miss you guys tremendously.
9. Having lost ten pounds since Christmas
10. The Porter interception not getting old yet
11. Bacaro’s new bar menu – can’t wait
12. Balvenie Doublewood
13. The great walk I went on with Jessica
14. The surprising fact that a loved one tackling you into a snow bank is even more fun than romantic comedies make them out to be.
15. The perfectly marinated pork chops we got from Old Time Meat and Deli. They just melted in your mouth.
16. Not worrying about running out of firewood
17. A warm fire going all day
18. Not having to file FSA claims anymore
19. Roger Ebert for his Martin Scorsese book
20. Bob McGinn’s Super Bowl book
21. How cute Jessica looks in her purple winter jacket
22. My stereo amplifier finally being fixed
23. Seeing Saints DC Gregg Williams evolve even at his age
24. Drinking on a weeknight
25. MS Office 2008 not pissing me off yet
26. Making it through today without turning on the TV.
27. Not making a big fuss about our V Day plans and focusing on just having a good time with each other.
28. How appreciative Jessica’s employees were when I brought them brownies baked by her.
29. Finally getting the new FB to work the way I want it to
30. Things chugging along
31. Regrouping after a major setback at work
32. Having the full support of his department after the cause of #31 occurred.
33. DVR
34. Our trip to Kansas City shaping up to be a rather laid back one.
35. The Opening Ceremonies not being completely lame
36. The sheer amounts of unintentional comedy that the dancer/greeters during the Parade of Nations provide
37. Fat Tire
38. All the wonderful meals made by Oliver Philpott and I wish him well on his next endeavor.
39. The opportunity to satiate my sushi craving – not always an easy feat in the Midwest!
40. Job security
41. A great part time job that gives me constant contact with creativity of the highest order
42. My new Macbook - I now believe the hype
43. Some semblance of financial security after some scary and lean years
44. Jessica - everyday I am surprised at how much we love each other
45. Not worrying about where my next meal is coming from
46. Facebook being an easy means to keep in touch with friends all over the world
47. How exciting this year is shaping out to being
48. How Jessica and I can’t seem to stay mad at each other for very long
49. Adam Carolla podcast
50. How much Jessica and I make each other laugh
51. Reconnecting with old friends
52. Breathing
53. Any form of nuanced thinking
54. Active wear
55. Keeping my cynicism in check
56. Still not completely believing in the concept of being comfortable
57. The ability to have some fucked up and entertaining dreams – Raptors, Mel Gibson, Kansas City
58. Having a washer and dryer in our apartment
59. Mike Ross, the director of Krannert Center
60. Foreign languages
61. Life forcing me to multitask
62. Anthony Bourdain
63. The rush of positive thoughts and feelings I have every time I see Jessica
64. Tiki
65. My smart and talented friends old and new
66. My increasingly reliable intuition
67. My Brita filter especially on those days when Illinois Water decides to put WAY too much chlorine in it
68. The music playing in my head – Poker Face
69. Competent and dedicated coworkers at both of my jobs
70. How great I feel after riding my bike to work
71. This computer stand from Ikea
72. Jessica's cute faces
73. How Jessica can pick me up when all seems lost
74. How good of a listener Jessica can be
75. Google Wave
76. Clothes that fit me even though I’ve gained too much weight
77. Bill Simmons
78. No longer worrying if today will be the day our car will completely fall apart
79. My new Ted Baker glasses
80. The moktak that my mom sent me
81. The copy of the Korean Zen Buddhist prayer CD that my mom made me
82. How good cracking various joints feel
83. My new earmuffs that don’t mess up my hair
84. Jackson 5 version of "Who's Loving You"
85. The fact that my seasonal eczema is finally subsiding
86. Everything I have yet to learn
87. My passion for music slowly returning
88. Our Simmons Beautyrest
89. My cautious optimism
90. The bizarre yet surprisingly effective baby talk that Jessica and I have developed for communicating
91. Jessica's hourglass figure
92. Memories, good and bad
93. The pavlovian response Jessica induces in me when I hear her keys just before she opens the door when coming home from work
94. My desire to seek out the positive in my life
95. Sensodyne
96. Free floss from the dentist
97. My orthotics
98. Not having to worry too much about what to wear for work
99. Having hope
100. Completing my ninth post

Object of my metta practice - myself

Reflection of the Day – An incident at work on Friday alluded to above pretty much threw a wrench in my entire day. It took every ounce of energy to maintain my composure and continue on with the rest of my day. I could only do this after addressing everything that I could that had to do with this incident. I was so angry and demoralized after this incident that I was shaking. After addressing what we could, I raced to finish the rest of what I had to do that day. It sure didn’t help that I hadn’t eaten anything all day. When I came home, I had some leftovers and fell right asleep due to my emotional exhaustion. When I woke up, Jessica and I agreed that I needed a night out.

Knowing that this is early in the rejuvenating of my spiritual practice, I’m not going to beat myself up for small transgressions here or there. Unlike other spiritual traditions, guilt is not an integral or even an integrated aspect of my tradition. Yet it’s been a big part of my life. Both my Korean and my New England upbringing have made it so. It can be debilitating. Other attempts at restarting a regular meditation practice have been severely hindered by guilt. I refuse to let it be a part of my spiritual practice as much as possible. When I miss a day on a rough day like this, I’m not going to beat myself up. Although mindfulness is a primary goal for an active meditator, I’m ok with finding a way to disengage with my current emotional state.

A famous turn of the century Jewish philosopher named Franz Rosenzweig started to become more religious as his life went on. He strongly believed in redemption both for himself and for his people. On his journey in becoming a more spiritually committed Jew, people would ask him about particular traditions and whether he followed them or not. If the answer was no, he would always answer by saying, “Not yet.” This is the exact attitude I want to take in my spiritual growth. One day, I hope to be strong enough to able to find 100 things to be grateful for even on a shitty day. I want to have the strength to remain emotionally present throughout such hardship.